Book (n): 1 A written work, such as a technical manual. 2 A record of betting transactions. (vb) 3 To take the name of a player who grossly infringes the rules

Now please don't fall off your chair laughing, but I once wrote a book on betting. It was called, ironically enough, How to Give the Bookies a Good Hiding or something equally silly. Actually calling it a book is probably over-egging the pudding a little. This tome was never going to trouble the William Hill Sports Book of the Year judges, unless they were looking for something to wedge open their committee room door.

Crashing out my 1,500 words a day, yours truly couldn't help cracking the occasional wry smile while contemplating the fact that if I'd followed my own advice down the years the old bank accounts might now be a tad healthier. The book had all the usual guff about how to read form, a guide to punting at various racetracks, understanding the concept of value and the like. But my favourite bit the glossary of terms, a kind of A-Z of horse racing and betting terminology.

In researching this part of the book I learned a few things myself - which was, to put it mildly, a bit worrying. The publishers seemed happy enough with the book, although I've yet to see it flying off the shelves in WH Smith. No JK Rowling-style rags-to-riches fairytale here I'm afraid. I also spotted it at a car boot sale recently and couldn't resist the temptation to buy a copy - a well-spent 25p I'd say.

In moments of boredom I sometimes find myself flicking through it and have often contemplated how Rotter's A-Z of betting terminology might read. So, for your amusement, here is the first instalment, letters A-H, of Harry Rotter's glossary of terms:

A ...is for 'Ace'

The card that never shows up when you have a King, Queen or Jack in blackjack. It could also be for 'arsehole' - he's the guy next to you who decides to draw a card when he's on 16 that turns out to be the King you need to go with your Ace.

B ...is for 'bridle'

Why is my horse always off this when the race isn't even half over?

C ...is for 'cards'

Often preceded by the words lousy' or 'terrible' when playing poker. Other popular C's in the Rotter vocabulary include 'carthorse', 'cat' (as in cat-in-hell's chance) 'can't' (possibly win) and 'Chester'. The last one is a particular favourite as it involves backing horses round a notoriously tight track where they seem to have to go round at least five times just to cover a mile. Generally, the more bends my selections have to go round the less well they do.

D ...is for 'double'

A particularly painful one this; there's a rule about doubles and I'm sure it's one that will be appreciated by everyone who's attempted to bolster the odds by shoving two horses in one bet. Why is it that the bigger-priced horse always gets home and the evens favourite on the second leg always gets beaten? D is also for 'doubt', which is what I have in abundance just before the off.

E ...is for 'even money'

Aka the most boring price in the world. Why would anyone want to bet at evens? Bet a fiver to win a fiver = Dullsville.

F ...is for 'form'

Can't see the point of it. Instinct, hunches and gut feeling are much better. Also, F is for 'four-of-a-kind', which opponents seem to draw suspiciously often at the online poker table. Other popular Fs include 'favourite', 'fluke', 'floundering' and 'flustered'. You can arrange these in any order, but usually runs along the lines of: 'I was so flustered I backed the favourite because I thought by some fluke I might get my money back in the last. As usual though, when I back the jolly, it was soon floundering.'

G ...is for 'good thing'

Yeah, right. 'Good things' are usually passed on to you by taxi drivers, blokes in shiny track suits in the Tatts bar, bookmaking friends and waiters. When they back them they always win. When you back them they always come last, tail off, fall or pull up. More cheerfully G is for 'Goodwood', Rotter's favourite racecourse and scene of most of my most famous winning punts. Famous because there are so few of them. As well as Notley's legendary Steward's Cup triumph (see InsideEdges passim) Pat, Frankie and Kieren have all carried Rotter's dosh to victory to hoops of delirium and champers all round.

H ...is for 'home and hosed'

A rarity for Rotter's selections. More likely to be 'hapless and hopeless' and 'hard ridden - no headway'. Handicap is another obvious H. Official definition: 'a race in which the weights for the horses are allotted by the handicapper for the purpose of equalising their chances of winning'. Rotter's translation: 'a race in which the weights make everything much more complicated and therefore lessen the chances of striking a winning bet'.