Loser (n): 1 A person or thing who loses. 2 A person or thing that seems destined to be taken advantage of, fail, etc. a born loser 3 Harry Rotter

Rotter's latest Instalment comes to you from the beautiful city of Cork. Due to the secretive nature of my business I'm not at liberty to reveal my reasons for being in Ireland's rebel county (so fiercely proud are the locals that they call Cork the 'real capital of Ireland') but suffice to say even Rotter has to work occasionally to top up the old betting bank.

Ireland is not the country it once was. It's out with the shamrocks and Ceilidh's and in with soaring house prices and the €28 pizza. I kid you not. And not very good pizza either. And can someone please explain to me how the country that once worshipped at the altar of booze and fags now forces its smokers to shiver outside in the wind and the rain?

Mind you, if this smoking ban hadn't been in place then Rotter would've been robbed of a priceless moment while partaking of the day's first gasper in the hotel car park. As I mused on the tasks of the day ahead, the local church bells were going through their paces. I had to pinch myself when I realised the tune the bells were peeling out was that well-known Celtic classic, Don't Cry For Me Argentina. Honestly, it's true. It could only happen in Ireland.

Anyway without further ado it's time to continue with Rotter's glossary of terms for the mug punter.

I... is for 'intuition'

The mug punter's best friend and worst enemy at the same time. Intuition has landed me more winners than any other method. Like the time I predicted a 3-1 win for Man Utd at Newcastle and landed the correct-score, first-scorer double. I still go weak at the knees thinking about it. That was down to intuition. See. It works.

J... can only be for 'jockeys'

Small, wiry individuals (apart from Richard Hughes) who ride horses for a living; often subject to loud abuse from yours truly, particularly when getting stuck behind a wall of horses while riding the one that's going best of all. Usually happens to my selection in sprint handicaps at Windsor.

K... is for 'Kicking King'

Who made a miraculous recovery from injury to win this year's Cheltenham Gold Cup. Needless to say Rotter failed to back it. Confirmed what I've always thought: that you should never trust a word a trainer says. K is also for 'Kempton' - the scene of Rotter's stag day triumph in picking out the winner of the last at a tidy 25/1.

L... is for 'lost'

Again.

M... is for 'maidens'

Notoriously difficult races to judge, particularly if fillies are involved. The kind of race Rotter decides in the morning it's best to avoid and then steams in like a man possessed - usually with disastrous consequences.

N... is for 'novice'

A category of horse race over fences. Horses classed as novices usually look great on paper but the minute they're faced with a fence they have an alarming tendency to screw things up. That's why they're called novices. Novices can be bowling along like a well-oiled machine before suddenly hitting the deck with all the grace of Muffin the Mule after twelve pints of extra strong lager.

O... is for 'outsider'

There's no greater pleasure on Earth than selecting a big-priced outsider and watching it romp home by a distance. Actually, there's one thing more enjoyable and that's watching it win by a short head in a photo. Preferably there should be a long deliberation by the stewards over the photo. Double the agony and double the pleasure; this would seem to support the theory that all gamblers are essentially masochists.

P... is for 'parade ring, paddock, pre-parade ring'

Where all the horses look like potential winners and the air is full of positive pre-race vibes. All thoroughbreds look fantastic in the minutes before a race. For the Rotters of this world these are the moments of grace before the inevitable disappointment to follow. The fiasco of the last is soon forgotten in a wave of optimism about the next race. The trouble usually starts when the little men jump on board and the nags head off to do their worst.

Q... is for 'quirky'

A quirky horse is an awkward, obtuse individual who shouldn't be allowed near a race track. The quirky horse is the one you don't back because you're not sure he'll even go into the stalls and the one you curse as it shoots out at 100 mph and wins from the front by six lengths. I hate quirky horses.

So we're in the final stretch and I've saved the best till last. It's R-Z next month. At least it will give me time to try and remember a few Ws for winners. And believe me, it won't be at all easy.